My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I am naked and annoyed.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize