Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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