I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
