he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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