I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
