u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
