I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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