Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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