I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
