So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You need a sexual gate keeper
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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