Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
