do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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