My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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