Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
