I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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