I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
