On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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