I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
