i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
