I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
