If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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