My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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