y did u give ur computer a hand job?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
