The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
