Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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