:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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