we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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