i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
