dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
