First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My balls are so social today.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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