She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
