You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize