yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
