i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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