It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
