Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
