And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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