There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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