why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
farters have to be the big spoon...
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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