go do what you do best...puke behind churches
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
