he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
