If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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