How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i think i have herpe
just one?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
