Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
