Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
