I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
