can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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