Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
