I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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