I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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