So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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