I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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