do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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