gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
