I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
