My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
