if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
